Happy Feb 12, 2014.

Not so much a pain day. Took an Advil this morning. Will take another tonight. Just kind of creaky today.  Much rangling with the dogs. So much rain. Soggy dogs aren't fun so I brought them with me.

We're just rolling along...


Only 2 more days until Valentine's Day.  Oh joy. For Valentine I bought WB a burger flipper.  He gave me a slightly used 3 ounce tube of hand cream with sanitizer with moisturizer.  I tell people that I got a chainsaw but since it's in his name? I'm not so sure.

No flowers. Not in this case.  Flowers are for people in romance.

Haven't seen romance since 1998.  Beautiful multicolored roses. Tried to root them but they were frozen in a freak freeze.  Much like my love life. 


Lol a whole section of this post disappeared.

So I'll put it very plain. It has been 13 whole years going on 14.
No, I'm not menopausal.
I'm interested.
It's lack of opportunity.
I'm out of practice.
Is it any surprise that I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day?

Got it?

Cause I don't.

:(

The dogs are wanting chaos to turn to order.

Gotta go blog police. :P


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Just another pain day. Wrists, knees, shoulders, neck...Ack

Well it's Valentine's week.  Make money florists, jewelers, and gift shop emporiums.  I'll be hiding in my VD gunk hole.  Avoiding all the haves in love and the have not in love unhappy about it.

I just want a bit of peace.

The stupid thing is that I still expect that some miracle will happen and Irish Dave or Newt will show up. How lovely to have that reunion. Happy.

But I'm not thinking that will happen.

Optimistic I going to say that this year will be different. This year I will see them again.
I'll get the hug and hear them.

Like energy of a thousand suns and yet as gentle a the fall a single snow flake.

Most days I don't cry but then there are pain days where every effort isn't quite enough..

10 million fireflies ,,,

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12dots disclaimer

This is 12dotsandablot.
A writer's blog.
A fiction writer's blog.
Fact and fiction co exist here.
If you can't tell which is which?
Please
Don't ASSume
Ask.

Ah, I got it... Why a romantic AVOIDS Valentine's Day...

Finally? I get it. All this effort to let me know that no one cares what I think.

Lol. Who does that to a person?  To make me stronger? Ahahahahahaha.

You know there are nice people who I've met.  I don't preach to them about the way they live their life or try to convince them to live my life.

Nooo.

It's more like, "Hey! How you going? Good? Ah that's great to hear."  When I thought that I had to give away my dog? I asked you and your response was, "That's your problem. I don't like the dog."  I showed up and asked one of these nice people for help. They didn't say go own you made your bed so ... (You know the rest.)  Ah no they said can I help?
It's just who they are as people.

But not you.

You?

When I asked you with all my heart to tell  me what was wrong with us and how do we fix it? YOU seemed unhappy, something seemed wrong, and that we needed to work it out.  You let me think that you weren't the kind of person who talked about their feelings.  I bought it. Until last night when you walked in and told me that you'd discussed one of our "problems" with someone else.  You talked to a co worker !  Seriously?What a shocker!!!  I shouldn't have been surprised. This isn't the first time that you've shown up and pretty much said, "It's not me. It's you."

Then you closed the door or turned off the light and shut me out.





Me?

I should have listened when I met your father and he said,


"Where's the other girl?" 

No spinach between my teeth.  Height and weight appropriate. When I look at the photos from that year? I looked great. No, I was lovely. What's more I was trying my best to get along with you and your family.  Now you tell me that all these years you won't talk to me but suddenly you can talk to everyone other than me.  Excuse me if I take that badly.

Pain day. .




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Dear Groundhog,

Maybe in your neck of the woods but not here.

:(

Signed,

IfIwantedtoLiveinaColdPlaceI'dHaveMovedThere

PS

This song makes me cry.  I don't want to but I do.  It reminds me of how simple and yet how strong true love can be.  I used to think that I had that kind of love. Now?  Now I love my son and my pups.

I still think that I will have this but I grow older. When I look at the front gate or when I have waited at the door for my friend to come back, a part of me grows quiet and still.  This place doesn't fill the sadness that I feel.  The notion of home seems so far away.

What this world has tried to steal from me is just wrong.

Hurray!! We can see the ground and the pups are outside!!  Oh happy day!!!

Do you know what it's like to have an a dog who needs to pee and poop try to do that when there's ice on the ground?  They aren't happy.

Do you know what it's like to be a person who is looking at all that cold and knowing that you've got to go outside with said dog?

I do.

I am sooo not happy today. 

If I had wanted to live somewhere with snow at this time of year? I'd move there.

I am sooooooooooo not happy.


Neither is my dog.

We have to put up with some really hot weather in the summer so that we don't have to have this kind of cold in the winter.

Last year it was abnormally warm. People were bragging about it until the mosquitos showed up. You have to have cold weather to decrease the bugs and to help some of the crops.

BUT you don't have to have it this cold.  It's stupid.  You can have cold days at or above 32 degrees F and satisfy ALL ecological requirements.
This year?

Epic fail.

Global Warming?


Please send all comments about the fucked up weather to anyone but me.

Cluster fuck. Epic fail.

Me? I have common sense and know that there isn't ANY reason for this and I will remember it come November voting time.

:(


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I'd like to get something up front.


Ya'll are waaaaay to obvious and you've got no style. I could write better.



Now for the day's cud chew.


There was only one person (besides Pup) who I reacted to immediately. He's dead. While I am sure that there are really talented people in the world. Billy? Was my friend. We both recognized that. You don't make that happen. Even if it was a "manufactured relationship"?   I have put up a filter since then. It's a good thing. If you want to be my bestest bud?  I'll need two forms of ID, a back ground check, and a note from your priest or preacher before I let you or ANYONE get that close. Not only that, but I really do like eating my lunch in peace.




I have tried to avoid conflict with my family by moving as far away from them as possible and still be able to live my life.  It's how my extended family handles their inability to get along.  At least that is what I thought. Now I find that we live a very controversial and colorful life that they make up. I don't even begin to live this life. My aunt is upset over my son. My dad and brother are upset over what my mom said I did when in fact it wasn't possible to do. Not one of them came to me and asked what was up. It's like being cyber bullied only there's no computer involved. Just phones. And old people with really sharp "teeth".  I grew up with them or rather I survived being around them. Even now, they bite really, really, hard. I've seen then fight each other.  Sometimes being disinherited and living out here in the middle of nowhere is a good thing. Peace.

No more being a dumpster for folks emotional problems. Those are their problems. I'm not even around them.

And now they're trying to drag Pup into it.

Lol. I have to laugh because it's so stupid. I've been trying to find someone who cares. I've been trying to find family.  I thought I found a church family. I even thought I found another church where I could work and help people in need. I don't even need a church to go to Heaven. I just like going to church. Instead? All I'm finding is a kind of free range world for people with lots of emotional insecurities; emotional insecurities that they want to make my fault. I should carry around a pen and note pad. Write this stuff down. I could become a modern day William Faulkner.

So I'm going to write. I'm thinking of writing a book or maybe a play


I'm still not entirely sure but I'm close to certain that?

Goodbye vampirestat

At least there's nothing to indicate that their around.  I figured that if they were related to adsense and if I went private?  They'd have to log in to view the blog and that they wouldn't.  Neither would any other weirdness.


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And for any of the alphabet security folks who, because of vampirestat, may be viewing this blog?  I'm boring.  I have a great imagination but in real life? I'm boring. Apparently? From what I've been told here? I'm so boring I could put  people to sleep by breathing.  Even more? I've always been boring. At least that's what I've heard. The great thing is that I have a great imagination. It keeps me company.

(This blog isn't a manifesto. I'm just doing what writer's do. Writing stuff down. It's not a diary either. It's just a place with a word processor and access to the Internet. I can look things up while I write.)

Sigh I told WB that we could skip all the Valentine's Day stuff. He's delighted. I also bought a bunch of candy at the dollar store. There are only a few pieces of chocolate in each box. When I get blue about the fact that no one really wants to know me in a romantic way? I open a box, throw the chocolate into the garbage (it's not good for me and honestly it tastes awful),  and I write a story about a secret admirer who sends me a box of really good chocolates every day until Valentine's Day. On VD, he sends me flowers. I saw some beautiful tulips. I'm thinking of buying them as well. "Oh flowers! How lovely." The truth is that I've always lived a kind of cloistered life when it comes to relationships. I've gotten used to being the friend, the acquaintance, or just the good old girl.  I should write old fashioned romance novels and sell them online. Filled with intrigue and the romance that I hoped for but haven't found.

There's a great scene in the movie Romancing the Stone. Kathleen Turner's character finishes her latest novel and celebrates by feeding her cat a can of BumbleBee tuna. All the action and passion in here novels were the events that didn't happen in her real life.

Alphabet people?


That's me. And now thanks to the BS from here and my family? I'm just growing less interested in going through the stuff inorder to find out if  the other the other person is lying when they say, "Hey I like you. Wanna be friends?" . I am truly a nice person. I'd love to have romance in my life. No one is interested. They think that I am boring and ugly. They just want to yell at me or blame me for their stuff. So seriously, if you have anyone to look at? Go look at them and then send in a straight, good looking, fun to be around person.

I could use the cheering up.

Haven't heard from the publisher. I'm thinking it went in the dumpster. Sad. The publisher is a nice man. He probably just thought that what I wrote was horrid and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I dread seeing him. Not for the rejection but for the uncomfortable look on his face.

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Oh my Lawd. It's cold.

I was looking at photos of Scotland in winter.

Finally just left the page.

My feet?  They are cold. I can feel the chill descend as the sun sets. If it keeps up we'll once again be all bunking together under layers of blankets (and this is with the heaters going). I think that we've finally got things sorted with the pups. Even with the newest member of the family, we're good.

In better news, the view numbers on this blog dwindle by the day. Hurrah.  By Monday, all of the views when the blog was public should be gone.  Good bye vampirestat.   If you are viewing here? It will have to be with my permission which you do not have.

Yay!

I'm glad that I don't have my ego wrapped up in blog view numbers

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slowly but surely.
Number of views down.
Now they don't even post the audience

LoL  "Check back later."

Go away who ever you are. Go away.  This is a good blog and I don't appreciate the BS coming here.

Go away.

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I'm thinking that Sunday will be the day that we zero out vampirestat keeping fingers crosses.

I'm hoping that the view and stats indicate that Vampirestat and adscnce are history but looks like I won't know for sure for another week.

Waiting...waiting...waiting....

I'm going to try writing without using Youtube.  I used to do this all the time but then got into the habit of adding videos. By doing this, the blog will be back to a writer's blog.

Fun!

Good news!

The new pup and our oldest pup made friends!!!  I had been planning on how I'd introduce them.  Walked up to the gate leaving Pup and the oldest pup at the new pup's kennel.  When I walked back Pup, the new pup, and the oldest pup were in the same enclosure. No fussing at all from the New Pup and the Old Pup just growled alittle when new pup sniffed her but.  Old Pup rules the kennels so this is really good.

Yay~

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This is aggravating. I haven't found the connection to go directly to the work page.  Have to write new post.  Hmmf.

Still holding true.  No weird views on the stats for this blog. It's like reading in the dark on a day when there's lots of snow.  Quiet.  Hushed. Lovely.  It's good for now.  I can not only hear the air, I can on some levels feel it. Viscous.  It that's possible.

Going to get some sleep.

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Sarah Jarosz 's cover of Bob Dylan's   Come On Up To The House


:)







There's a line in the song , "...The world is not my home. I'm just a passing through..."

I'm thinking it's from this song

This world is not my home I'm just a passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore
Oh Lord you know I have no friend like you
If heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore

I have a loving mother just over in Gloryland
And I don't expect to stop until I shake her hand
She's waiting now for me in heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore
Oh Lord you know...
[ guitar ]
Just over in Gloryland we'll live eternaly the saints on every hand are shouting victory
Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from heaven's shore
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore
Oh Lord you know...


WB sings this all the time.   I sing my version (same melody but not the same lyrics "...This world is not my home. I'm just a passing through. My home is up in Heaven, way up in the blue. My home is up in Heaven. Way up in the sky. The world is not my home. I'm just a passing through..."

I've always thought that we have a hand in our time when we die.  It comes from hearing of people who've tried to go to the light but then stop and go back.  Which leads to the questions of are we being reincarnated when we go to the light.  Is that the first real memory; the light that we first see going from the uterus to the outside world. What happens if a baby isn't born?  Does it stay in a reality like the present? Like when people say that they went toward the light but then stopped and woke up?  When my father was in his coma, he said that he saw a place where the  people were happy and kind. He said it was a type of Heaven. 


Do we tell God or whoever is in the next life, "I'm not ready to leave where I've been. I have to stay."

Does he answer back, "Sure, I'll see you later. No worries."

Once, many years ago, I thought that I was having a heart attack.  I remember praying to God that I couldn't leave because I didn't want to leave my son alone. I put my hand over the place that hurt and asked God to make the pain stop and heal the problem.  I just didn't have the luxury of going to Heaven.  The pain stopped.  My son had fallen asleep next to me. I'd been telling him a story and he'd fallen asleep. I couldn't stand the idea of him waking up next to me after I had died. Even worse, I couldn't stand leaving him alone.  Not as young as he was.  I always thought that he was spared that sadness.

Lucky.

I read this and can remember the funny feeling of being still and then just the knowledge that it was going to be okay.

...

 

I went to look at the stats.  It went from crazy to zero views. Had I known this earlier?  I'd have gone private along time ago.  VampireStat?  I don't know you.  I won't miss you.  From what I've read about you on the Internet?  You are no good.


No views? Good news.

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