Good morning!

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Hello.

I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog anymore. If you do? Hugs. Thank you. I really am glad that you are here.

(Would be nice if you'd comment. I'd like to hear what you have to say.)


Well this took a while to figure out.

For most of my life, "happy", my "happy", depended on my being with another person. That's not a bad thing. I like people. The problem is that inorder for them not to leave (taking my "happy" with them) I would just about twist myself into a pretzel to make them happy. Sometimes it was to my discomfort. If they did leave? Ouch. One day I woke up and didn't really have a clue who I was. So much time spent trying to craft my responses to please another. If you were to ask me what I thought or who I was? I would have to really think about it to give an answer. I realized that I'd surrounded myself with people who didn't care about what I thought. They just wanted me to care about what they thought. Don't get me wrong, I love to hear what others think. I learn from the experience. But this was different, they honestly only wanted me around to tell them how great they were. To make matters worse? They wanted me around to yell at and blame when things didn't go their way. They wanted me to be their "whipping boy".

That, Gentle Reader, is NOT good.

At first I put up with it. What if they left? I'd be ALONE!!! That seemed a horrible thing. What would I do? Then one day they did leave. I wasn't good enough so? They left leaving me in that dreaded "alone".

That's how I found out that there were worst things than being left "alone".

I'm finally understanding the term "personal growth". It doesn't mean being selfish. It means that there are things that I love to do. I found out that I have a "voice". Something worth listening to. I found out that the world is very big and the group of people that I'd been around was actually quite small. I began to have conversations again. We don't always agree but we still talk to each other. Slowly I'm leaving the people who spent a life time telling me that I was a failure. I'm meeting folks who are glad to hear what I have to say. I've stopped making "have to do" lists. I've stopped making personal decisions by committee vote. I've started waking up and saying, "Okay, what do I want to do to day?" not just "What do I have to do today?" I've tried it and believe it or not it's good. I'm growing happier by the day. I don't justify to those around me doing those little things (which are very legal and moral by the way) that make me happy.

I've learned to say, "I've can help? I will. BUT that is neither my fault nor is it my responsibility."

I've learned to say, "No."

It's a little weird. Kind of like a detox.



Does this mean I'll start changing how I write? Maybe but maybe not. A fella I met this weekend asked if I lived vicariously through my characters. Thought about it and honestly told him, "No. Not in the least." I write to tell a good story. Some of the characters are based on people I've known. Some of the stories are entirely fiction. Some of the characters I love dearly but some I really do not like at all. But like them or not, they're created by me to entertain. I want to write a good story.

Well it's finally September. The weather is still alittle on the hot side but not uncomfortable. The sky is blue. The birds are singing. And the sun is shining.

This month is going to be a busy one. Lots to do.

I'm glad to be alive and awake.


Hugs,

Ann











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