Date? 2/13/2014


It feels like bile coming up the esophagus and heading to your mouth.

It's not the nervous dizzy kind of anticipation.

It's more like dread.

Happens every year.  I still hope that something will happen differently but not like the fella in mythology.  I don't roll my hope up a hill without a clue that it will roll back down.  I'm wondering if there isn't some kind of bad wish from someone. Someone who thinks that I've wronged them.  If they only new the "nun's life" that I live here. The wouldn't be mad at me. Maybe they'd even feel sorry.

Nah.

So tomorrow? I won't watch the gate. I guess I'll take the new chain saw and cut limbs.


Valentine's Day.

It's the day I remember David sending me flowers. They were beautiful. I'd been such a sh#t .  He's telling me that he wants to get to know me. I'm answering in this hissing kind of voice, "You want to know me? No you don't. You have no clue." He's saying in this quiet voice, "Yes, I do." He sounds tired. Like it's the millionth time he's said it and the millionth time I've said,"NO!"  Inside I'm beggin my mouth to shut up. My heart is screaming for me to stop. But responsibility, to my situation? It's shouting it all down. He won't stop. Finally I tell him," Okay. You really want to know me? You'll send me flowers. A dozen. Then..." He stops me. "Okay" He's online ordering flowers. He wants to know what kind I like and where he should send them. He sounds so tired. Then he says,'I can handle the rest of this." and then "Done."

It's over.

Later I get a call to confirm. Responsibility shouts,"Reject."  The girl on the phone is smiling. I can hear her. She asks again and I ask her if there's a card. When I hear the words? I'm quietly awed. "Do you want them." she asks.  I stuff Responsibility into a dark corner of my mind and tell her the honest answer.

I wonder if he knew how this would change every other Valentine's Day. How I would dread it. Tomorrow I'll open that memory and tend that little flame of happy. Then I'll shut it away. Protected from Responsibility and it's relentless march through my heart.

January, I didn't watch the gate.  Instead I fell asleep early. Didn't even watch the New Years programs.  I just got tired and went to sleep as if it were any other night. I think that it was an omen of this year.  Today I feel tired. I'm kind of exhausted from the weather and the pain. The sun is out though so there is the blue sky and the no rain. Like a cheerful friend that you can tuneout while you sit in the sun.  It's after you've been sick. You sit there.

If it weren't for the dread?
It would feel like just another day.


Little black dress. Lol. I'll more likely be in jeans and a tshirt. Nothing romantic about me.  .

Tomorrow? Just like New Years, I won't watch the gate. 
I guess I'll take the new chain saw and cut limbs.

But there is Hope. I'll leave a note on the gate to honk the horn.

Just in case.


Craig Ferguson will be in concert Sunday.As much as I really want to go? More than likely responsibilities will have me here rubbing sore feet and pulling leaves out of my hair.

I really do want to go.  Because of all the snow and rain, I need Sunday to work outside.

:(






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