Friday, March 4, 2011

For my dad...



It's okay. My dad? He's still okay.


I'm a writer.

I write poetry and shortstory fiction. Somehow I learned to use my stories to open the window to other folks heartaches. This next post is unfortunately true. I can tell myself now that emotional distance was what taught me how important a hug can be to us all.

I guess the next post should have started with a song...

The next post is a story about my father and a hug. He never had to write a Bucket List. He has and is spending his life doing what he wanted. He failed and succeeded at business, he flew airplanes, he made and sailed his boat, he can catch a hawk and catch the imagination of a kid. When I asked him what he wanted to do next?

He wanted to hear the Universe.

I'm hearing that the weather tonight and tomorrow might be a bit fussy. Will see you on the flip side.

If we're lucky? It's always sunny the day after the storm.




My whole life I've waited for my father to give me a hug.

I'm over 50. And for 50 years my dad has been an enigma wrapped in a puzzle. I think that I new that he loved me. I know that if I was in trouble that he would come to help me in his way. The thing is that the simple everyday affection eluded him. My mother would say, "Well your father's not had an easy time of it. You just have to trust me when I tell you that he love love you. He just doesn't know how to say it."

So I lived each day on the hope that what she said was true.

As time passed, the fact that he never really hugged my neck made me keenly aware of how important that gesture is. I taught my son to hug. I hugged the homeless lady who was hot and tired and just needed to know that someone cared that she was alive. I hugged the complete stranger in the elevator who looked at me and said out of the blue, "My day's not been so good. My son just died." Each time I hugged a stranger or hugged my son I was trying to hug my dad too. Trying in some cosmic way to give him that affection that, even though he had money and things, just never seemed to come.

Then one day two weeks ago I got a call. My dad was in Intensive Care. They were pretty sure he was going to die. The days after were a blur. The first time I went to see him in Intensive Care I wasn't even allowed to touch him. He was unconscious. All I could do was talk and hope that he heard me. When he finally opened his eyes, it was a miracle. You see there was still hope that I could get a hug from my dad.

I'm proud to say that after over 50 years of hope?

I got my hug and he meant it.

I'm wondering now if there was a reason it took so long to get that hug. If I'd gotten it sooner? I'm not sure I'd known how important it was to hug that homeless lady or the lady in the elevator. I thing I might have taken that simple act of kindness for granted.

True story.




The winds been kicking up all day. Forecast? Tomorrow rain and thunderstorms. Was listening to a song called Neptune City and remembering my Great Aunt. Pup took a shower and then decided to take a nap. A good idea.

It's that kind of day.
Not depressing, just tired or watchful.

Billy used to say there were days where your body needed a nap to heal from the outside world. This week and the weeks before it have been stressful.  Maybe we all need a bit of time to rest and catch our breath.

LOL I used to be such a night owl. Right now, I'm thinking that I like to go to sleep early and wake up early. I like to go to sleep after a hot bath and reading a good book. I get a hug. There's this lovely feeling of relief. Drifting to sleep and then waking up with the energy to be alive is a gift that I've never really appreciated. 

There's the hug from WB and from Pup. It's very real. I need that. As much as I love the world of the imagination, that reality is a tether to whats important. Real life. WB meets me at the door when I come back from seeing dad. He hugs my neck. He tells me it's going to be okay. Pup will say out of the blue, "Mom you need a hug." and then gives me a bear hug. I always smile because I know that he learned that from me. He'll be okay.

I've many times told the story of why I watched Craig Ferguson. The years after my son died weren't always easy. I had a life but that joy of laughter? It was elusive. For some reason the early Craig Ferguson got me to laugh. It was the spontaneous laughter not the polite kind. I love to think that he was someone who'd been through hell and back and survived. Someone who could still laugh. For  alittle bit each day, that humor was a tonic. It reminded me to breathe. Now it's WB and Pup who are giving me that place to be.

I'm grateful for those shows.  They awakened the sense of humor that I needed to live life.

Now? I need the sleep.

I'm going to miss waiting up to watch this show. Like a cup of tea, the show in the middle of the night was comforting. I'm going to watch when I can but I need the sleep. Just like I needed that laugh now I need that calm.

I miss my Great Aunt. I miss my PawPaw and MawMaw. I'm not sure I realized how lucky I was to have them in my life. I took foregranted that they'd always be with me. I could pick up a phone or go see them and there was never a time that I wasn't welcome to their homes. Being able to  be around my Dad now is a gift. One of the best gifts I've ever been given because I know how lucky I am to have this time. I'm welcome to be with him too. My dad is still here. Everyone around him says optimistic things about how far he's come. He's awake and can talk to me. I get a hug and a second chance to be around him. When others try to rush me off? He tells them I'm to stay. My stories get him to smile. "I'll bet there's a story..." he says. Then he waits to hear it. He never did that before. What a relief. 

My MawMaw used to tell us that there's food in the fridge and a nice warm bed. She'd leave the porch light on for us. Her home was always a port in the storms of life. I'm hoping to do the same for my son and for those friends, both real and virtual, who'll need a place to sit a bit. Maybe I'll even get them to laugh at their troubles just like tv's Craig Ferguson did for me a long time ago.

Hugs to all.





Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Hey now

(Just to let you know. Mardi Gras day is in 6 days. I am SOOO happy.)


Tuesday, March 1, 2011



Hey hey and helllllloooo....


LOL I'm in a good mood today. The Sun is shining. The sky is blue. It's March 1st and I'm still alive. My dad will see his 81st birthday on his feet and not in some nursing home somewhere. WB and I see eye to eye these days. Pups good as gold. The storms and bad weather didn't hurt us a bit. Matter of fact? We were glad to have the rain.

And I'm alive. It's good. (Thanks God.Seriously.)


I'm not writing any love songs for anyone except WB, Pup, and myself lol and the boat. They've been with me through thick and through thin. They love me.

Everyone else is on "probation". LOL

Happy March 1st, from 2011.

Randomly place punctuation where it counts. LOL



Monday, February 28, 2011

Dear month of February,

Click me.

Now read me.

Dear month of February,

Well I was going to write you a letter about how crappy a month you are. Every year you bring a new VD for me to hide from. You're sweeps month which means that the telly is full of crazy. You're usually filled with cold weather.  Football is over and baseballs not here yet.

This year you started out in a particularly crappy February fashion.  My father was critically ill and in the Intensive Care. My mother was constantly angry with me. My brother was angry. The rest of the world was in some crisis or the other. All seemed dark at the beginning of this month. My life was beginning to look like a soap opera.

But then?

Things changed. My father's health improved .  I'm able to see him now and I'm gracefully ignoring my Mom. The Sun is shining. I've met some really nice people. Kind people. And this is Black History month which means reading about  the accomplishments of so many talented people.

I'm not broke.
I'm able to fix my boat.
WB and Pup are still here.
The sun is shining.
Tomorow will be March first and you dear February will be over. :D

Despite still hiding from VD (Valentine's Day), this is certainly better February than in the past.

Maybe there's hope for next year.



Who doesn't do drahhhhmas or soap operas. I like a happy go lucky, happy ending story.


Sunday, February 27, 2011


Let's dance.



You find out who you are.


In the meantime, my favorite of  The Planets


List of today's important events.

My dad is so much better.

The sun is shining.
It's not too hot.
It's not too cold.
I'm not menopausal.
My dad is much, much, much, much, much  better.
I have race duty. (But only the happy anticipation is for today.)
Am I in some sort of weird yet highly enjoyable Heaven?

Must I know all the words to hear my heart beat?

(Oh and I noticed that the Oscars are on to night. LOL)

LOL That's the entirety of my Oscar's post until probably tomorrow night.

Yes, I love the movies.

And Inception should win something.

Go do magic for someone.