Wednesday, March 31, 2010

You gotta have friends...

Said Hannah.

"Friends are like shoes.

Wheither they're
comfortable or they pinch?

You should always have the right ones for the right occassion.


They must ALWAYS be fabulous."

Hannah Murphy

31 March, 2010

Written @



I will not explain.

Life can be complicated.

Written @

OMG have you seen Tyra...

She is gorgeous.

I saw a photo on the Internet and OMW --

THIS is the Tyra of Sports Illustrated/ Victoria Secret.

This is not Wendy Williams.

This is the Anazonia Tyra who reduces the folks on Next Top Model to tears.

Wendy on the other hand is the person who you eat tortilla chips and dip with while you're watching Next Top Model and saying, "mm -- m,m -- mm , That Tyra is a bitch."

Well some folks do but not me cause I think that Tyra is awesome.


I have super dogs.

They have super sonic hearing.

If I open a bag of tortilla chips in the house and then drop one? Magically it never hits the floor.

They also travel at the speed of light.

I'd try to get them on stupid pet tricks but they aren't stupid.

Just very fast with very good hearing.

Writen @
No. No.

I'm not going to explain.

It's not a bad thing but I'm not explaining.

Yeah, it's Heath Ledger who played the Joker. Yeah in the Batman movie. That guy.

Now move along. If you don't understand, this post probably isn't for you.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I Love Wendy...

I love Oprah too.

I love Tyra.

But no one person is better than Wendy.

She's like Oprah and Tyra combined.

A best friend who will hurt you if you talk bad about me. :D

Well I like Wendy best except for Craig.

I love watching Craig but I love watching him for a different reason.

(Like I'm way too chicken to watch the porn on tv and I don't have a sex life...)

Then there's Ellen --

Time for Dr. Phil...

Written @

12:55:00 PM Uh oh... got a phone call from the not so magical neighbors...

I'm a bit worried about the begonias...

Just got off the phone with Ms. Whoozits. She's "...miffed..." because my dogs went and peed in her flower bed. Apparently Vista View has some rule in the home owners and dogs visiting the neighbors is a no no . I told her that I couldn't see how such tiny dogs could have enough urine to kill off her whole flower bed. I told her that if my dogs did pee in her yard? They peed gold and pooped flowers so I should charge her a landscaping fee.

"If they could kill flowers?" I told her, "our yard would look like crap."

Then I told her that her complaint was the very definition of the word "hyperbole".

To which she said something not very "Vista View" about the state of our yard.

So I hung up on her.

Written @

12:47:00 PM Well this is good...

You know how in those artsy films there's this moment where you're supposed to be dazzled by their homage to Magritte? You know there's this door that opens out onto a bucollic scene that makes your eyes hurt because the colors are just so darn vivid (yeah I got a new thesarus so what?)

Anyway that just happened.

Right here in my kitchen.

Magically the door opened all by it's self, the sun shone in a dazzle and the dogs just walked out the door into the magical sunshine.

Which is good because it was time for pee break.

Hope the log trucks have magical breaks.

Written @

Morning coffee...

Morning conversations @ casa Slacker...

Why yes I did load and turn on the dish washer. Thanks for asking.

You see...

I just set my brand new, fake Starbuck,s reusable coffee cup on the floor for one second. One second. It was clean.

The friggin dog just licked it.

Therefore I had to wash it once again in the dishwasher. Another whole 2 hours so it can be on the sani cycle. The only item in the whole dishwasher because for once it was empty. Yes Rosie has licked me on the mouth. So what. That's not the point. You know that. Doggie kisses are sanitary. Dogs licking the brand new, fake Starbucks, re-useable coffee cup are not.

Require sanitation because I have standards.

No I could not wait until the dishwasher was full. No I could not wait until after breakfast. I'm taking it to the soccer game this afternoon and I need it now.

And no I'm not washing it in the sink.

This requires sanitation. I have standards.

For God's sake could you please stop yelling? What's wrong with you?

Oh and my gym shorts are dirty. Can you be a love and throw them in the wash?

Written @

12:06:00 PM Good news.

Chocolate is good AND the dog didn't die.

Thank God.

Happy (insert Spring holiday of your choice here) !

Written @

Oh an by the way...

Just so you know...

I do not like March Madness or basket ball.


I said it.

However I am a fan of baseball so I can't be all bad. :D

Written @

11:47:00 AM We're fighting over who takes the dog to the vet...

I've spent the last .... years taking the living things in my life to the doctor.

I even spent 30 days doctoring a chicken. That would include convincing the vet that he was indeed a chicken doctor. Then every day I had to take that unhappy chicken into my clean bath room. I had to wash it's chicken foot. I had to put medicine on it's chicken foot. I had to rebandage that chicken foot. All by myself. Not fun.

Now I'm being called a fuck up by the same people who won't take the dog to the vet.

Meanwhile Buffy is sitting there looking at us and I'm pretty sure thinking, "Could you guys get some marriage counseling. No wait first take me to the vet and then...."

There are words being said. Something about how I spend all day at the house writing when other folks have real jobs.

Good thing I like Buffy otherwise this could get ugly.

11:41:00 AM Freud vs The Dog Whisper (cont)

You're probably wondering what Izzy's sexual preferences has to do with me. Or with Freud for that matter.

Maybe this will help.

I dreamed of the man of my dreams and then kissed Izzy.

You figure it out.

(and then if you would could tell me???)

Written @

11:35:00 AM Freud vs The Dog Whisperer...

Remember the story that I wrote to cheer up. The one about how I"d dreamed of a good looking man who turned out to be my dog?

We folks I'm really worried.

Izzy (honest to God that's her real name) is bi curious.

She's been trying to have sex with her sister for the past year. I blame it on the fact that we fixed her too early. She doesn't know what she is.

11:25:00 AM Get a clue

Life hint #3002.

Before trying to rock your y's it's a REALLY good idea to hit the gym first.

Second thought.

Hit the gym alot.

Just sayin.

11:08:00 AM On the other hand...

If you can rock a pair of y fronts or a nasty teddy why not?

It might get you on reality tv.

My friend Buck and his ex third wife had a hella fight in the front of their condo last June. Seems it was the same time that Cops was filming down the street. Some drug king pin got busted. Anyway they were yellin about stuff and she ran outside. Out he goes after her in a pair of yfronts. Next thing ya' know they're the lead story on the Cops show AND the entertainment for the Sea Harbor Marina Neigborhood Association meeting. The only sex those women get is the buzz from watching Craig Ferguson so they were "...entralled..." to see neigbhor Buck in his y fronts. Over and over and over ---

So maybe there's times when flashing alittle (ex) marital disharmony in the front yard is a good thing. Buck gets all kinds of notice and I hear Cops pays scale.

"...bad boys, bad boys whatcha gonna doooo..."

Written @

11:01:00 AM I'm thinking that this isn't working out well...

The person I had words with earlier just ran off in a huff. I'd go run after them to be nice but unfortunately I'm sitting here in my boxer shorts and tshirt.

Here's a life hint.

It's not a good idea to go running out in the front yard wearing your boxer shorts and tshirt. Even if they are new. It looks tacky and the people @ the next Vista View Neighborhood Watch meeting might talk.

That would just pizz them off even more.

Not a good idea.

LOL 10:57 AM

My doggie just pizzed on their shoe. I'd clean it up but there's no sense wasting this pizzer they're in. Doesn't look like it's done any damage but I think it's gonna smell in a day or two.

I'm sorry if you think that this is mean. I'm just too preoccupied with all the stuff they've left for me to do so that they can go sun their butt on spring break.


Lemmie think.. It happened just before Easter break...

Ah, crap, this isn't good.

The person I just had words with just stomped off leaving me once again with all the stuff here. I'm not sure but I think it's because I pointed out that proof reading a letter isn't the same as what an actual editor does.

You know if it had been me? I'd a been flattered that a writer asked my opinon of something they'd written.


And the next day...Well kinda'. I'm behind in my blog updates...

There is good news people.

I love Easter break.

The candy is good. I've been writing. And the dog didn't die.

Well mostly the candy is good. This one piece tastes like it's got weevals in it. Thing is it's free and it's chocolate. So I'm suffering through it.

Crunch. Crunch.

Sorry that it took so long...March Madness

I've been busy.

Writing? Oh no.

That would be productive. Nope. I've been busy co-existing with my world which at the moment is throwing one hella' temper tandrum.

Need to cheer up.

"...I was dreaming one early morning that I heard snoring. In my dream, the snoring came from a handsome fella so I did what any self respecting woman would do. I rolled over and puckered up. After all, this man in my dreams was a real looker. I wasn't about to miss the chance. Puckered up and kissed this man of my dreams right on his face. Then I opened my eyes hoping that it wasn't a dream.

It would seem that the man of my dreams is a real dog.

I'd kissed my dog.

(More later. Maybe pictures.)