Friday, February 14, 2014

Hurray. No more vampirestat. No more views from people who don't answer back or come from place that might be in the international news. If this works, there's a way to get rid of vampire stat. Yay.
It's already started. The long march through the day that is all about "love" but never seems to work out that way. Believe it or not I used to deliver telegrams and actually helped someone ask his girl friend to marry him. As in I dressed up as cupid, arranged the particulars like the champagne and the ring and glasses, the place to ask, and was even there to announce his arrival. The next year she hired me to deliver a birthday greeting. She was pregnant at the time. It's not that I don't like romance. I love romance. The people who I'm around do romance like they do kp. My horoscope says that I like romance that humbles and makes me a better person. If that's your idea of romance, please, have at it. That is the kind of romance that YOU like. I'll take the kind of love that makes you feel puffed up and invincible. That's the kind that I like. Honestly, I think that I'm adopted. The one that matches? Everyone you love makes you laugh. They do it unexpectedly and yet consistently. You'll try to return the favor today and succeed with flying colors. I want the cupid, singing telegram, the sender thought about it, and actually like me kind. Otherwise, I'd rather skip it. I want the hearts and flowers because the person cares about me and I care about them. There's only been one person who's done that. For the love of Pete, don't send me an obligation. I know the difference. A holes. .

Thursday, February 13, 2014

It's be okay.



The key people in my life who keep telling me that I'd be perfect if I'd just change...

Then they're gone.

I'm exhausted.

Lol. I'm supposed to turn the other cheek.
Just not sure that I have the energy.

It's supposed to be pretty tomorrow.  Since it's just me posting for me?  I'm not sure if I'll put anything here.

Just incase,  Hugs and Happy Valentine's day self.   I know that is about it for the day.  Just a lot of work. 

But I think that I'll put something else here.\

Dear Karma,

I didn't do anything wrong. Surely I have enough good Karma stored that maybe just maybe I can hear from Newt or Irish David.  Just to let me know if they're okay. Fill me in on their life. I can't imagine that they've given me a thought but it would be nice to add a good memory to tomorrow's list of disasters.

Just them though.  Otherwise leave me alone.  I'm pretty well used to hiding out in my Valentine's Day Hurricane Hole. It's just 24 hours and it's supposed to be sunny. :P



Date? 2/13/2014

It feels like bile coming up the esophagus and heading to your mouth.

It's not the nervous dizzy kind of anticipation.

It's more like dread.

Happens every year.  I still hope that something will happen differently but not like the fella in mythology.  I don't roll my hope up a hill without a clue that it will roll back down.  I'm wondering if there isn't some kind of bad wish from someone. Someone who thinks that I've wronged them.  If they only new the "nun's life" that I live here. The wouldn't be mad at me. Maybe they'd even feel sorry.


So tomorrow? I won't watch the gate. I guess I'll take the new chain saw and cut limbs.

Valentine's Day.

It's the day I remember David sending me flowers. They were beautiful. I'd been such a sh#t .  He's telling me that he wants to get to know me. I'm answering in this hissing kind of voice, "You want to know me? No you don't. You have no clue." He's saying in this quiet voice, "Yes, I do." He sounds tired. Like it's the millionth time he's said it and the millionth time I've said,"NO!"  Inside I'm beggin my mouth to shut up. My heart is screaming for me to stop. But responsibility, to my situation? It's shouting it all down. He won't stop. Finally I tell him," Okay. You really want to know me? You'll send me flowers. A dozen. Then..." He stops me. "Okay" He's online ordering flowers. He wants to know what kind I like and where he should send them. He sounds so tired. Then he says,'I can handle the rest of this." and then "Done."

It's over.

Later I get a call to confirm. Responsibility shouts,"Reject."  The girl on the phone is smiling. I can hear her. She asks again and I ask her if there's a card. When I hear the words? I'm quietly awed. "Do you want them." she asks.  I stuff Responsibility into a dark corner of my mind and tell her the honest answer.

I wonder if he knew how this would change every other Valentine's Day. How I would dread it. Tomorrow I'll open that memory and tend that little flame of happy. Then I'll shut it away. Protected from Responsibility and it's relentless march through my heart.

January, I didn't watch the gate.  Instead I fell asleep early. Didn't even watch the New Years programs.  I just got tired and went to sleep as if it were any other night. I think that it was an omen of this year.  Today I feel tired. I'm kind of exhausted from the weather and the pain. The sun is out though so there is the blue sky and the no rain. Like a cheerful friend that you can tuneout while you sit in the sun.  It's after you've been sick. You sit there.

If it weren't for the dread?
It would feel like just another day.

Little black dress. Lol. I'll more likely be in jeans and a tshirt. Nothing romantic about me.  .

Tomorrow? Just like New Years, I won't watch the gate. 
I guess I'll take the new chain saw and cut limbs.

But there is Hope. I'll leave a note on the gate to honk the horn.

Just in case.

Craig Ferguson will be in concert Sunday.As much as I really want to go? More than likely responsibilities will have me here rubbing sore feet and pulling leaves out of my hair.

I really do want to go.  Because of all the snow and rain, I need Sunday to work outside.



Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Happy Feb 12, 2014.

Not so much a pain day. Took an Advil this morning. Will take another tonight. Just kind of creaky today.  Much rangling with the dogs. So much rain. Soggy dogs aren't fun so I brought them with me.

We're just rolling along...

Only 2 more days until Valentine's Day.  Oh joy. For Valentine I bought WB a burger flipper.  He gave me a slightly used 3 ounce tube of hand cream with sanitizer with moisturizer.  I tell people that I got a chainsaw but since it's in his name? I'm not so sure.

No flowers. Not in this case.  Flowers are for people in romance.

Haven't seen romance since 1998.  Beautiful multicolored roses. Tried to root them but they were frozen in a freak freeze.  Much like my love life. 

Lol a whole section of this post disappeared.

So I'll put it very plain. It has been 13 whole years going on 14.
No, I'm not menopausal.
I'm interested.
It's lack of opportunity.
I'm out of practice.
Is it any surprise that I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day?

Got it?

Cause I don't.


The dogs are wanting chaos to turn to order.

Gotta go blog police. :P



Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Just another pain day. Wrists, knees, shoulders, neck...Ack

Well it's Valentine's week.  Make money florists, jewelers, and gift shop emporiums.  I'll be hiding in my VD gunk hole.  Avoiding all the haves in love and the have not in love unhappy about it.

I just want a bit of peace.

The stupid thing is that I still expect that some miracle will happen and Irish Dave or Newt will show up. How lovely to have that reunion. Happy.

But I'm not thinking that will happen.

Optimistic I going to say that this year will be different. This year I will see them again.
I'll get the hug and hear them.

Like energy of a thousand suns and yet as gentle a the fall a single snow flake.

Most days I don't cry but then there are pain days where every effort isn't quite enough..

10 million fireflies ,,,


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