Thank you for the NYC trip. I'm measuring change in how I relate to the city and how I relate to the farm.
When I travel, it puts the "farm me" into black and white. What is comfortable about who I am is vivid. What doesn't fit in the "skyscraper" mountains? I know. But what does fit is the freedom to be different from the people around me. Purple haired dancing sunbeams are welcome in NYC. They aren't in Alabama. So I travel in order to nurture the sunbeam part of my nature. All of the differences, the art, feed my heart. I have to have this time whether you agree or not. It'seems as important as breathing.
The farm is something entirely different but just as important. My time at the farm is deeply important. There I'm more real and honest than any where on Earth. Like raising children, the land, animals, and people demand a level of honest work that the city doesn't. No faking what you don't know. If you don't know you ask. Those 2 and four legged creatures count on me knowing what I'm up to. They could die otherwise. I'm not able to do that in the city. I am able to plan and then implement a "living" story here. There is some thing good about the narative. Healthy.
What I've found as a result of living in these two very different worlds is that I don't like the drama you bring. As much as I'm glad you are in my life, your anger is hard to bare. Bad things have happened to all of us. They make us angry. How we choose to handle the anger is important to the people around us. Just as important to us as it is to you. I didn't know how much your anger hurt me until I went to NYC. Where I gladly took off my coat of anger, you clung to it. A snapper turtle in a mud coat. You kept trying to drag me down into the mud.I'll die if I stay in that mud.
Please. Stop being a "snapper turtle".Stop trying to drag me into the mud. What you are doing is as mean as an enemy. Billy wouldn't put up with it. He'd tell me to leave.
I am collecting up all of the good in my life. I'm wrapping my heart in it. You are either the kindness my heart is wrapped in or the stuff that lives in that watery grave. Unlike you, I've no desire to hold to this sadness. Holding to all of this negative like it was a life preserver is the real crazy.
I'm not crazy.
I'm the same girl.