Saturday, January 21, 2012

I am so homesick right this moment. I haven't seen it for so long. The last time was 8 months before Katrina. I stood there trying to memorize every part of that moment. Dusk. The sky a dark winter blue as dark came running in. I could see the horizon. There I stood. I'm thinking, "This is as close to home as I've ever felt. I'm coming back. I'm coming back home."

 I am sitting on the side of the bed 8 months later. I'm whispering. "CQ CQ CQ Biloxi, Mississippi City, Gulfport, Long Beach, Past Christian, Bay St. Louis, CQ CQ CQ" I'm crying. The weather map shows something that I can't say out loud. All I can say is "CQ CQ CQ."

I haven't been back.

I tried. I talked to my parents about what it was like. They'd gone back for a bit but not to stay. "It's different." is all they'd tell me. "It's not the same. Keep the memory. Don't go back."

It's afternoon. I'm sitting on the bed with my pup. She' taken meds that require her to be still which is never easy for her. I hug her and sing to her. Finally she goes to sleep and I can get up and go get something to drink. She opens her eyes and I tell her it's okay. I'll be back.

I promise.

I've made promises to people. Promises that I keep. I stay here with my son. I've promised. I stay with my pups. I've promised.

But I wonder, when do I keep the promise I made to myself. The one where I promised to go back. To find home.

I'm yelling at WB. Loud. Tears are running down my cheeks and I'm so afraid that my pup will die without me. "I promised." I'm yelling. "I promised her that I wouldn't leave her alone. She'll be scared. I have to go get her. "

He asks me what in the hell do I want.

Like a kid I look at him fierce and yell," I want to go home. I want to take my pups and my son and go home."

I said it.


"Everytime you go you take a part of me...."

No comments:

Post a Comment