I predict.

Horoscopes for the people who I know.

Aries

Good for you for showing up day after day and putting yourself out there. It wasn't easy was it.  Now all that hard work has paid off and your doing good in everyway EXCEPT the nice department.  Money might not buy happiness but it can buy a very expensive head doctor.

Taurus

Seems like there's been quite a few people who think they're hot sh@T pontificating on your life. Honestly they couldn't have made it past day one. You're correct to complain and complain mightily. Remember to listen to everyone and then tell the Azzes to f43k off.   PS I am not one of the Azzes.

Gemini

I realize that you are a very insecure two face but please do us all a favor and keep it within your own life boundaries.

Cancer

You really don't need to read here. From what I've seen you're a narcissistic jerk.  If I were you I'd keep living in that fantasy world over on the other horoscope. That way you can continue to function. Don't come back around here though. I've got  a cosmic restraining order.

Leo

You are magnificent. I heard that your sign fathered 5 lion cubs last year. I hear that Sagittarius's lawyer is looking for you.  Something about all those little cubs needing things like shoes and clothes and well I hope that your wallet is as magnificent as your ego.

Note: that's for the guy Leo. If you're a female Leo. Tell your lawyer to call me. I'm pretty sure I saw your Sagittarius baby daddy hiding out with the Cancer jerk.  Get your money quick. That Cancer goes through money like poop through a goose.

Virgo

You? Don't ask me if you are a virgin in front of your boyfriend. I'd have to tell the truth and neither of you would like it.

Libra

The only way you are going to achieve that Libra balance is if you take Lithium. On your chart? They should bring back the term Maniac Depressive. Bipolar is just too nice for your kind of crazy.

Scorpio

Honestly I'm thinking that your sign should be Cancer. Were you adopted?

Sagittarius

Your sign needs to hook up with that Leo person. Together you can live in the rhythmic world and populate it with lots of little fur babies. Just don't come looking to me when the child support fairy comes a callin' .  Oh wait he's on the other lion. ...

Capricorn

You have enough trouble with your birthday at the same time as Christmas. Be happy and demand twice the presents.

Pisces

I've known nice ones and I've know real jerk ones and I've known the ones who alternate between nice and jerk.

So to the jerk ones? Go hang out with Cancer ones and then go read the horoscopes that suck up.

To the alternating jerk one.

Go read the Libra horoscope.

And to the nice one?

There's always the exception to the rule.

Now then. I know that there are going to be bipolar Libras who are gonna come calling and yelling about the importance of lithium on the periodic table.

Good for you. 

Everybody else?

This is for entertainment purposes only.  If you don't like it? Too bad.  I still get a paycheck for writing it.  Save your breath. I don't care.

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