Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I predict


Ah New Year's Eve.

If you've read this blog for any amount of time (or if you just happened to luck out and find it), you know how much I dis like Valentine's Day. This should have been viewed with a bit of quizzical curiosity.  One of the jobs that I liked the most was when I used to deliver singing telegrams dressed as Cupid. If you worked at it you might could find a photo of me dressed up in my work clothes. One of the columnists who worked for the local paper wrote about me and my business. The photo the paper took was excellent. There I was with bow and arrow with white satin wings and red tights.

The article talked about the life changes that led to my "life path".  

So what does that have to do with New Year's Eve?

New Years can be more than a gigantic party or a sit at home pity party. It is for a lot of people a time of reflection.  For many it's when you look back at your life and possibly say, "What the fcuk?"  and then promise yourself you'll change. For others, it's a time look back at the good and the bad of the previous year and decide what to bring to the new year and what to leave behind. And let's face it. The night can be an excuse to get down and get drunk. A great big excuse to act badly and then forget it. Kind of like Vegas.

A long time ago, I found myself at my parent's house sitting in bed with a bottle of wine and the radio. It wasn't my best day and I was feeling VERY sorry for myself. Then with great luck, diving inspiration and "Karma" said, "Why are you looking back and feeling sorry for yourself. You're too young. Write a list of all the thing that you've always wanted to do and then do it."

So I did.

I still have the list.

I'd have to go find it but if my memory is correct, the only three things that I haven't done on that list are:  see the Macy's Thanksgiving parade, learn to speak French, and celebrate NewYears in Times Square. Most of the things I did along time ago when I had the freedom to do so.  Some of the things that I've done have taken a long time (I'm looking at you sailboat). When Pup was growing up, there were things on that list that wasn't possible. I had responsibilities. New Years Eve and Thanksgiving only happen once a year. I did get the French books though.

I'd like to write here that I'll finally finish that list this year. It would be nice to write that this is the year that I'll learn French and book the hotel room for New Years and that Macy's parade. I'd like to  write that. Unfortunately the last 24 hours makes that look dicey.

If I had to predict what will happen in 2014, it would be something a bit less celebratory.

Last night, after telling myself and my parents all kinds of pretty stories about my relationship with WB, he told one of his own. I thought that it might have been the stress of work or the beer. Sometimes when it's been too much, we all say things that we wish we could put back in our mouths.  This morning it was still there and it wasn't the beer talking. He said the same thing only this time he was sober.

There's a lot that I've stopped doing in my life in order to be responsible. I've twisted my life and put the list I'd love to do away in the name of Responsibility.  Here in the twilight of winter, I see that day when I sat in the chair in the living room and said, "I don't want to continue this..." 

The difference is that I've learned how to come back to life...

List of things that I'm bring with me into the New Year.

1 Pup
2 The pups including the new dog
3 My church
4 volunteering at the church
5 (hopefully) volunteering at the animal shelter (I'm pretty good with dogs)
6 the sailboat
7 writing
8 hopefully a better relationship with my parents Lol last time when I sat in that chair and thought, "No more"? I went to my parents and asked if I could come visit. Life was tricky at the time. Mom always said that if I needed them I could come home. There I was in the den with Mom, Dad, Me and WB. WB was telling Mom he was okay if I came to visit them. She said no and sent me back. This weekend I told them and myself pretty stories about how everything was great. How lucky was I.
Guess that's one of the fiction stories I'm so great at telling. So as much as I hope that my parents and I will be great in 2014? She was so happy to have me somewhere else on Sunday that I'm guessing not. "Your family is with that church were you live."  No, Mom. My family? Is you and Dad and WB and my brother who you said was too busy to eat a Sunday meal with us. She's been pushing me away for my entire life and saying that it was my fault. It's not. Thing is that these people are my parents. They're supposed to be grown ups. They're the ones who were supposed to have been there.
Number 8? Before they die? I hope that I have a relationship where I'm sure that my parents actually want me around.
9 that list from a long time ago with other things added
10traveling. Part of my list was to travel I did.
11a phone call to one of the people on my previous list
12myself now. the one who would have been telling herself that it was all her fault. It's not.
13mycamera to record it
14my blogs to write about it
15the little flicker of life that was there that night on New Years. The little voice that said, "You can feel sorry for yourself or you can take control of your life and do something positive.
16My sanity and self worth and that other voice that says, "Toxic people aren't good for you. Go find the happy ones, the kind ones, and hope that they'll let you in."

There's more to this list.

From what I can tell WB's misery is of his own making. I wouldn't be surprised if he left.

As for 2014 and why I DON'T like Valentine's Day?

What does it have to do with New Years?

Because for a long time I've put that person. The one who loved her job. The one who got to make people happy? Has been locked in the box of Responsibility. Every New Year's day I let people put me there and then say terrible things about how lacking in this and that I was. I let them tell me that I was a fcuk up. Over and over and over.... 
I'm happy to say I'm not.
I'm happy.



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