.

Okay that's it. 

I've had it with my "Oh-the-horror"scope. It's NEVER right. Not ever.  Can't be the only one who has this problem and I have a birth certificate. I'm a fiction writer. I create whole made up worlds. So starting this minute? I'm writing my own "horror"scope column.

(For legal reasons, I'm supposed to tell you that this is for entertainment purposes only.)



Also I'm making up my own signs.


Today's "horror"scope.

If you were born on this day you are born under the sign of  a  Water Buffalo's Butt.

You think that Rickie Fowler wearing his fruit loop colored cap backwards is the reason why the economy is in the toilet. Those colors should only be on women from Palm Beach who wear Lilly Pulitzer florals. You don't care that Tiger had affairs. You do care that that punk wears his hat backwards. You also voted Republican but think that Glenn Beck is an idiot. Your kids hate you but only after you pay for their apartment not before and your wife is a trophy.

You also say you love golf but actually you detest the game. You only play because you are a snob. The good news (for you anyway) is that no one cares because you've got more money than God and you know it.



For those not born today?

This is your life.

Kind of.


If you were born in the month of January, you have headaches and penis envy. Actually you envy everything because January is a crappy month to be born in.  The weather's crap. Everyone, including your family, spent their money on you during Christmas and now, since their credit card bills are coming in are spending the month lecturing you on fiscal responsibility. Every four years people get happy or unhappy because someone they voted for or didn't vote for gets swarn in as President.  The weather can  be really bad and no one except Stinky comes to your birthday party.

Life sucks.

Your sign? The Platapus cause you are one mixed up kid whose parents had sex because there was a blizzard and nothing on tv.


Born in the month of February? You are either a romantic or a misogynistic jerk. Every four years women who still know this stuff run around embarassing their commitphobic boyfriends (or girl friends) by asking them to marry them. Since they are commitment phobs they head for the nearest exit.  Every year you think about buying flowers but decide to save the money for breast implants.

You are born under the sign of the  Beaver and you spend all day in a crappy job and all night playing Angry Birds. No hope. Find another hobby cause that game is addictive. :(  Find another job cause you need therapy. Until then there may be hope at Angry Birds Addition Anon. It meets in the basement of the community center. If you hurry you can still get a table next to the back door.


If you are born in the month of March you are born under the sign of the Angry Small breasted Tit Mouse.  Your chest is tiny and you throw like a girl.  Abandon hope and go get addicted to Angry Birds. That way you can go to the Angry Birds Addiction Anon with the Beavers and possibly get a social life. I'm sorry that you are so angry but I think that those Beavers might have the name of a good plastic surgeon. Your to do list should read like this:

Down load Angry Birds
Get addicted to Angry Birds
Go to Angry Birds Addiction Anon
Get them to tell you the name of a really good plastic surgeon. They've done research.
Get the surgery (good news is that people under this sign spent their time with no social life but with good jobs like statisticians and actuaries. You  may not have a social life but you can already afford the plastic surgery. Get the boob job. Then?

Get the heck out of Angry Birds Addiction Anon cause they have no social life and you now have the boobs of a Goddess.

Hip hurray.

April?  If you are born in April you are a Water Buffalo Butt and already know what's going to happen. I suggest you seek out someone born in March before they get the boob job and become a b9tch. Hurry.



Born in May?

May babies. OMG May babies.


If you are born in May? You are a bull. A Scottish stud. There are videos made about you and women fall at your feet.



LOL


Or?

You drink a liter of ginger ale followed with a Mento's chaser and tell your mom that you've got projectile vomiting.

Small print but very important note from lawyers. Please don't try this at home. You might puke out your nose and that can't be good.
Thank you.




If you are born in June you were born under the sign of  the Airtraffic Controller Who Fell Asleep At His Job. This is because your mother wasn't smart enough to have sex in September or have a C section in May so that you too might be a sexy, late night talk show host. Face it. You're boring. Nothing to do but try to stay awake and not crash the airplanes. I hear eating rainbow Skittles and drinking Grande Latte Starbucks helps. You should also think about joining online Weight Watchers because those Grande Lattes have lots of calories and well you do spend your days and nights either asleep or at the computer. Not much exercise. Sorry.

Note; There is an exception. One person born in the month of June who is exempted from being born under the sign of the Airtraffic Controller Who Fell Asleep At His Job. This person takes being a Ahole to a whole nother level so I have had to stop time and put him in his own horroscope sign.

He alone is born under the sign of the Hee Haw Jack Ass. Because he is. He'll think this is a compliment. But it's not.





I'm going to be nice to the folk who are born in July and say that they're born under the sign of the Fire cracker Smokin' Hot Babe. I'm doing this because I was so mean in the month of June.

So July? Like May? You are as hot as your month. Go forth and become a Sports Illustrated Cover Model or if you are a guy? A Gynocologist.

You don't have to thank me. Just sit there an breath.


August, August August.   You are born under the sign of the Marriage Counselor so that you can help my friend out through their divorce and not charge them an "arm and a leg" to do so. So you'll know, they don't want to be counseled on how to save the  marriage; they want to know how to get divorced without "killing" each other during the process. You can also be born under the sign of the Really Good Divorce Attorney.



People who are born in September are born under the sign of Paula Deen and you get to go with her an help her cook on Craig Ferguson's show. You do such a great job that, much to the relief of your parents, you take that English Lit Major from Columbia and get a real live job as an intern on  The Late Late Show. You become a show runner. Then you get a job as a producer for a wildly successfull sitcom . Then another. Your first sitcom will go into sydication and it's lead star will go nuts so,  no matter that you're probably trying to cut costs, everyone thinks the guy is nuts so you get to fire him and enact some long lost merky clause that says he gets fired and can't collect his residual check. Did I say you were born under the sign of Paula Deen?  I was wrong. You are actually born under the sign of Chuck Lorre.  You're not exactly beloved by the fans of 3 and 1/2 men but the Big Bang Theory and Mike and Molly fans love you and live for your "words of wisdom" at the end of the show.

May the Swartz be with you.


That should probably make up for the fact that your birthday is also in the same month as the beginning of the school term and the ending of Summer. I didn't do it.



October you get one of the coolest months to have a party. Because of that you are born under the sign of the proverbial Bat Out of Hell. You get to dress up in costumes like Batman or a transvestite and nobody gets upset. You get to bob for apples at your party. You get to bob for beers and boobs at your party. You are in fact party central and everyone is wanting to come to your 21st birthday party so that they can basically smoke, drink and fool around dressed like Little Red Ridinghood. If you don't have a good time at your birthday? You're an idiot and deserve to spend life under a dark cloud of doo.  Yes I said "...doo..." originally I was going to type "...doom..." but changed my mind because the idea of a "...dark cloud or doo..." was really interesting.


November? If you're born in November you are born under the sign of Martha Stewart and your mother more than likely suffers from either OCD or  is neurotic.  Everything must be perfect and  you must wear a tie because well that's how it is. The turkey at your Thanksgiving was raise in Vermont in a stress free environment where it ran, cavorted, and was talked to  sweetly right up to the minute the farmer said, "Here turkey, turkey." while holding an evironmentally correct  axe behind his or her back. Then whack that farmer cuts that turkey's head off and then handed quietly  to a nice man from across the border. He does this  quietly because the farmer doesn't speak the same language as that other nice man. Plus the farmer is one of them hippy Democrats that Glenn Beck use to yell about over on Fox News before he got -- before he left. You hate the fact that your sister gets to go to the Virgin Islands on a sailboat while you the good son go home for the hollidays. You spend 3 days in the "deerwoods" and one day in hell with the wife, kids, and your parents. You hate your Uncle Bud the liberal. You can't even talk politics with you mom and dad because the next words you hear is, "So? Did you shoot Bambi yet?". You tell people  you think your sister's a flake but in actuality? You dont' say this because she's a flaming Liberal but you say it because you hate having the "stick up your butt". 


Your sister finds her holiday cheer from that fact. :)

Happy Thanksgiving.


Remember how I changed my mind?  Earlier? In September?  When I said that people who are born in September are born under the sign of Paula Deen?  Well part of that was because it made more sense to have Paula Deen be the sign for December. She just looks like someone who'd love the month. And she loves to cook because people who are born in December LOVE to eat. You get Birthday presents AND Christmas presents. Sure the reality is that you may get two crappy presents instead of one really good Christmas gift and one really good birthday gift but hey you're born under the sign of Paula Deen. Your mom isn't neurotic. She's joyful or drunk on fruit cake. 



Your born under the sign of Paula Deen. Woman can cook AND she knows Tv's Craig Ferguson. This  leads you to getting to meet Craig Ferguson and get your picture made with him and a hug. She calls people "pumpkin".. Now if that's not an awesom Christmas/ birthday gift? 

You're an idiot.


Happy "horror"scope.

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