It's gone. Vampirestat is gone.:P Lol. Goofed off more than worked yesterday. Was raining this AM Looked at calendar and thought, "Ah crup. I need a date or chaperone. Someone who can goof off, dress up, show up on time time, has goof off time, AND (important) have fun. Combination Craig Ferguson with George Clooney wardrobe. Where do I find one of those? They'd have to be free at drop of a hat for the rest of 2014. They'd have to be fun. They'd have to want to walk with the dogs and maybe end up on a Mardi Gras Krewe. " I don't think WalMart has one of those. Maybe Twitter? We could make it a reality tv show. I'd watch. Argggh. .

Oh crup. Starting to feel like I'm catching a cold. Yeck. .

Worked hard yesterday and today. Love it when hard work has something to show for the effort. Cleared a path on the fence line. This way the pup and I can get fresh air and make sure that there's no holes in the fence. Still have another day or two of work ahead. WB is helping. This is so good. Hoping for good weather. The bad news is that I didn't get to go to see CF in concert. :( WB asked me about it and I told him that sometimes it's tough to be the grown up. I'm due a fun couple of days but looking down that fence row and seeing clearing was just too important. We've had such lousy weather. Now I'm hearing that there's rain next week. Since there have been times where we've prayed for rain, I shouldn't complain. It's just that we've spent very valuable time dealing with rain, cold, sleet, and snow. Will be a long day tomorrow but what a joy it will be to have this done!!!!! Was thinking about things while I was lopping all those bushes. When my mother was young and when I was young too, guys had to pass the dad test. I wonder if that's still true? Something my dad might say... I think that a guy should come to the door. Respect yourself... .

Hurray. No more vampirestat. No more views from people who don't answer back or come from place that might be in the international news. If this works, there's a way to get rid of vampire stat. Yay.

It's already started. The long march through the day that is all about "love" but never seems to work out that way. Believe it or not I used to deliver telegrams and actually helped someone ask his girl friend to marry him. As in I dressed up as cupid, arranged the particulars like the champagne and the ring and glasses, the place to ask, and was even there to announce his arrival. The next year she hired me to deliver a birthday greeting. She was pregnant at the time. It's not that I don't like romance. I love romance. The people who I'm around do romance like they do kp. My horoscope says that I like romance that humbles and makes me a better person. If that's your idea of romance, please, have at it. That is the kind of romance that YOU like. I'll take the kind of love that makes you feel puffed up and invincible. That's the kind that I like. Honestly, I think that I'm adopted. The one that matches? Everyone you love makes you laugh. They do it unexpectedly and yet consistently. You'll try to return the favor today and succeed with flying colors. I want the cupid, singing telegram, the sender thought about it, and actually like me kind. Otherwise, I'd rather skip it. I want the hearts and flowers because the person cares about me and I care about them. There's only been one person who's done that. For the love of Pete, don't send me an obligation. I know the difference. A holes. .

It's be okay.

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Funny.

The key people in my life who keep telling me that I'd be perfect if I'd just change...

Then they're gone.

I'm exhausted.

Lol. I'm supposed to turn the other cheek.
Just not sure that I have the energy.

It's supposed to be pretty tomorrow.  Since it's just me posting for me?  I'm not sure if I'll put anything here.

Just incase,  Hugs and Happy Valentine's day self.   I know that is about it for the day.  Just a lot of work. 

But I think that I'll put something else here.\

Dear Karma,

I didn't do anything wrong. Surely I have enough good Karma stored that maybe just maybe I can hear from Newt or Irish David.  Just to let me know if they're okay. Fill me in on their life. I can't imagine that they've given me a thought but it would be nice to add a good memory to tomorrow's list of disasters.

Just them though.  Otherwise leave me alone.  I'm pretty well used to hiding out in my Valentine's Day Hurricane Hole. It's just 24 hours and it's supposed to be sunny. :P


Regards,

WriterAnn

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Date? 2/13/2014


It feels like bile coming up the esophagus and heading to your mouth.

It's not the nervous dizzy kind of anticipation.

It's more like dread.

Happens every year.  I still hope that something will happen differently but not like the fella in mythology.  I don't roll my hope up a hill without a clue that it will roll back down.  I'm wondering if there isn't some kind of bad wish from someone. Someone who thinks that I've wronged them.  If they only new the "nun's life" that I live here. The wouldn't be mad at me. Maybe they'd even feel sorry.

Nah.

So tomorrow? I won't watch the gate. I guess I'll take the new chain saw and cut limbs.


Valentine's Day.

It's the day I remember David sending me flowers. They were beautiful. I'd been such a sh#t .  He's telling me that he wants to get to know me. I'm answering in this hissing kind of voice, "You want to know me? No you don't. You have no clue." He's saying in this quiet voice, "Yes, I do." He sounds tired. Like it's the millionth time he's said it and the millionth time I've said,"NO!"  Inside I'm beggin my mouth to shut up. My heart is screaming for me to stop. But responsibility, to my situation? It's shouting it all down. He won't stop. Finally I tell him," Okay. You really want to know me? You'll send me flowers. A dozen. Then..." He stops me. "Okay" He's online ordering flowers. He wants to know what kind I like and where he should send them. He sounds so tired. Then he says,'I can handle the rest of this." and then "Done."

It's over.

Later I get a call to confirm. Responsibility shouts,"Reject."  The girl on the phone is smiling. I can hear her. She asks again and I ask her if there's a card. When I hear the words? I'm quietly awed. "Do you want them." she asks.  I stuff Responsibility into a dark corner of my mind and tell her the honest answer.

I wonder if he knew how this would change every other Valentine's Day. How I would dread it. Tomorrow I'll open that memory and tend that little flame of happy. Then I'll shut it away. Protected from Responsibility and it's relentless march through my heart.

January, I didn't watch the gate.  Instead I fell asleep early. Didn't even watch the New Years programs.  I just got tired and went to sleep as if it were any other night. I think that it was an omen of this year.  Today I feel tired. I'm kind of exhausted from the weather and the pain. The sun is out though so there is the blue sky and the no rain. Like a cheerful friend that you can tuneout while you sit in the sun.  It's after you've been sick. You sit there.

If it weren't for the dread?
It would feel like just another day.


Little black dress. Lol. I'll more likely be in jeans and a tshirt. Nothing romantic about me.  .

Tomorrow? Just like New Years, I won't watch the gate. 
I guess I'll take the new chain saw and cut limbs.

But there is Hope. I'll leave a note on the gate to honk the horn.

Just in case.


Craig Ferguson will be in concert Sunday.As much as I really want to go? More than likely responsibilities will have me here rubbing sore feet and pulling leaves out of my hair.

I really do want to go.  Because of all the snow and rain, I need Sunday to work outside.

:(






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Happy Feb 12, 2014.

Not so much a pain day. Took an Advil this morning. Will take another tonight. Just kind of creaky today.  Much rangling with the dogs. So much rain. Soggy dogs aren't fun so I brought them with me.

We're just rolling along...


Only 2 more days until Valentine's Day.  Oh joy. For Valentine I bought WB a burger flipper.  He gave me a slightly used 3 ounce tube of hand cream with sanitizer with moisturizer.  I tell people that I got a chainsaw but since it's in his name? I'm not so sure.

No flowers. Not in this case.  Flowers are for people in romance.

Haven't seen romance since 1998.  Beautiful multicolored roses. Tried to root them but they were frozen in a freak freeze.  Much like my love life. 


Lol a whole section of this post disappeared.

So I'll put it very plain. It has been 13 whole years going on 14.
No, I'm not menopausal.
I'm interested.
It's lack of opportunity.
I'm out of practice.
Is it any surprise that I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day?

Got it?

Cause I don't.

:(

The dogs are wanting chaos to turn to order.

Gotta go blog police. :P


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Just another pain day. Wrists, knees, shoulders, neck...Ack

Well it's Valentine's week.  Make money florists, jewelers, and gift shop emporiums.  I'll be hiding in my VD gunk hole.  Avoiding all the haves in love and the have not in love unhappy about it.

I just want a bit of peace.

The stupid thing is that I still expect that some miracle will happen and Irish Dave or Newt will show up. How lovely to have that reunion. Happy.

But I'm not thinking that will happen.

Optimistic I going to say that this year will be different. This year I will see them again.
I'll get the hug and hear them.

Like energy of a thousand suns and yet as gentle a the fall a single snow flake.

Most days I don't cry but then there are pain days where every effort isn't quite enough..

10 million fireflies ,,,

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12dots disclaimer

This is 12dotsandablot.
A writer's blog.
A fiction writer's blog.
Fact and fiction co exist here.
If you can't tell which is which?
Please
Don't ASSume
Ask.

Ah, I got it... Why a romantic AVOIDS Valentine's Day...

Finally? I get it. All this effort to let me know that no one cares what I think.

Lol. Who does that to a person?  To make me stronger? Ahahahahahaha.

You know there are nice people who I've met.  I don't preach to them about the way they live their life or try to convince them to live my life.

Nooo.

It's more like, "Hey! How you going? Good? Ah that's great to hear."  When I thought that I had to give away my dog? I asked you and your response was, "That's your problem. I don't like the dog."  I showed up and asked one of these nice people for help. They didn't say go own you made your bed so ... (You know the rest.)  Ah no they said can I help?
It's just who they are as people.

But not you.

You?

When I asked you with all my heart to tell  me what was wrong with us and how do we fix it? YOU seemed unhappy, something seemed wrong, and that we needed to work it out.  You let me think that you weren't the kind of person who talked about their feelings.  I bought it. Until last night when you walked in and told me that you'd discussed one of our "problems" with someone else.  You talked to a co worker !  Seriously?What a shocker!!!  I shouldn't have been surprised. This isn't the first time that you've shown up and pretty much said, "It's not me. It's you."

Then you closed the door or turned off the light and shut me out.





Me?

I should have listened when I met your father and he said,


"Where's the other girl?" 

No spinach between my teeth.  Height and weight appropriate. When I look at the photos from that year? I looked great. No, I was lovely. What's more I was trying my best to get along with you and your family.  Now you tell me that all these years you won't talk to me but suddenly you can talk to everyone other than me.  Excuse me if I take that badly.

Pain day. .




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Dear Groundhog,

Maybe in your neck of the woods but not here.

:(

Signed,

IfIwantedtoLiveinaColdPlaceI'dHaveMovedThere

PS

This song makes me cry.  I don't want to but I do.  It reminds me of how simple and yet how strong true love can be.  I used to think that I had that kind of love. Now?  Now I love my son and my pups.

I still think that I will have this but I grow older. When I look at the front gate or when I have waited at the door for my friend to come back, a part of me grows quiet and still.  This place doesn't fill the sadness that I feel.  The notion of home seems so far away.

What this world has tried to steal from me is just wrong.

Hurray!! We can see the ground and the pups are outside!!  Oh happy day!!!

Do you know what it's like to have an a dog who needs to pee and poop try to do that when there's ice on the ground?  They aren't happy.

Do you know what it's like to be a person who is looking at all that cold and knowing that you've got to go outside with said dog?

I do.

I am sooo not happy today. 

If I had wanted to live somewhere with snow at this time of year? I'd move there.

I am sooooooooooo not happy.


Neither is my dog.

We have to put up with some really hot weather in the summer so that we don't have to have this kind of cold in the winter.

Last year it was abnormally warm. People were bragging about it until the mosquitos showed up. You have to have cold weather to decrease the bugs and to help some of the crops.

BUT you don't have to have it this cold.  It's stupid.  You can have cold days at or above 32 degrees F and satisfy ALL ecological requirements.
This year?

Epic fail.

Global Warming?


Please send all comments about the fucked up weather to anyone but me.

Cluster fuck. Epic fail.

Me? I have common sense and know that there isn't ANY reason for this and I will remember it come November voting time.

:(


.

I'd like to get something up front.


Ya'll are waaaaay to obvious and you've got no style. I could write better.



Now for the day's cud chew.


There was only one person (besides Pup) who I reacted to immediately. He's dead. While I am sure that there are really talented people in the world. Billy? Was my friend. We both recognized that. You don't make that happen. Even if it was a "manufactured relationship"?   I have put up a filter since then. It's a good thing. If you want to be my bestest bud?  I'll need two forms of ID, a back ground check, and a note from your priest or preacher before I let you or ANYONE get that close. Not only that, but I really do like eating my lunch in peace.




I have tried to avoid conflict with my family by moving as far away from them as possible and still be able to live my life.  It's how my extended family handles their inability to get along.  At least that is what I thought. Now I find that we live a very controversial and colorful life that they make up. I don't even begin to live this life. My aunt is upset over my son. My dad and brother are upset over what my mom said I did when in fact it wasn't possible to do. Not one of them came to me and asked what was up. It's like being cyber bullied only there's no computer involved. Just phones. And old people with really sharp "teeth".  I grew up with them or rather I survived being around them. Even now, they bite really, really, hard. I've seen then fight each other.  Sometimes being disinherited and living out here in the middle of nowhere is a good thing. Peace.

No more being a dumpster for folks emotional problems. Those are their problems. I'm not even around them.

And now they're trying to drag Pup into it.

Lol. I have to laugh because it's so stupid. I've been trying to find someone who cares. I've been trying to find family.  I thought I found a church family. I even thought I found another church where I could work and help people in need. I don't even need a church to go to Heaven. I just like going to church. Instead? All I'm finding is a kind of free range world for people with lots of emotional insecurities; emotional insecurities that they want to make my fault. I should carry around a pen and note pad. Write this stuff down. I could become a modern day William Faulkner.

So I'm going to write. I'm thinking of writing a book or maybe a play


I'm still not entirely sure but I'm close to certain that?

Goodbye vampirestat

At least there's nothing to indicate that their around.  I figured that if they were related to adsense and if I went private?  They'd have to log in to view the blog and that they wouldn't.  Neither would any other weirdness.


.

And for any of the alphabet security folks who, because of vampirestat, may be viewing this blog?  I'm boring.  I have a great imagination but in real life? I'm boring. Apparently? From what I've been told here? I'm so boring I could put  people to sleep by breathing.  Even more? I've always been boring. At least that's what I've heard. The great thing is that I have a great imagination. It keeps me company.

(This blog isn't a manifesto. I'm just doing what writer's do. Writing stuff down. It's not a diary either. It's just a place with a word processor and access to the Internet. I can look things up while I write.)

Sigh I told WB that we could skip all the Valentine's Day stuff. He's delighted. I also bought a bunch of candy at the dollar store. There are only a few pieces of chocolate in each box. When I get blue about the fact that no one really wants to know me in a romantic way? I open a box, throw the chocolate into the garbage (it's not good for me and honestly it tastes awful),  and I write a story about a secret admirer who sends me a box of really good chocolates every day until Valentine's Day. On VD, he sends me flowers. I saw some beautiful tulips. I'm thinking of buying them as well. "Oh flowers! How lovely." The truth is that I've always lived a kind of cloistered life when it comes to relationships. I've gotten used to being the friend, the acquaintance, or just the good old girl.  I should write old fashioned romance novels and sell them online. Filled with intrigue and the romance that I hoped for but haven't found.

There's a great scene in the movie Romancing the Stone. Kathleen Turner's character finishes her latest novel and celebrates by feeding her cat a can of BumbleBee tuna. All the action and passion in here novels were the events that didn't happen in her real life.

Alphabet people?


That's me. And now thanks to the BS from here and my family? I'm just growing less interested in going through the stuff inorder to find out if  the other the other person is lying when they say, "Hey I like you. Wanna be friends?" . I am truly a nice person. I'd love to have romance in my life. No one is interested. They think that I am boring and ugly. They just want to yell at me or blame me for their stuff. So seriously, if you have anyone to look at? Go look at them and then send in a straight, good looking, fun to be around person.

I could use the cheering up.

Haven't heard from the publisher. I'm thinking it went in the dumpster. Sad. The publisher is a nice man. He probably just thought that what I wrote was horrid and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I dread seeing him. Not for the rejection but for the uncomfortable look on his face.

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Oh my Lawd. It's cold.

I was looking at photos of Scotland in winter.

Finally just left the page.

My feet?  They are cold. I can feel the chill descend as the sun sets. If it keeps up we'll once again be all bunking together under layers of blankets (and this is with the heaters going). I think that we've finally got things sorted with the pups. Even with the newest member of the family, we're good.

In better news, the view numbers on this blog dwindle by the day. Hurrah.  By Monday, all of the views when the blog was public should be gone.  Good bye vampirestat.   If you are viewing here? It will have to be with my permission which you do not have.

Yay!

I'm glad that I don't have my ego wrapped up in blog view numbers

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slowly but surely.
Number of views down.
Now they don't even post the audience

LoL  "Check back later."

Go away who ever you are. Go away.  This is a good blog and I don't appreciate the BS coming here.

Go away.

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